Morning Coffee

The other morning I broke our coffee pot. I'd put it in the refrigerator the day before because I had several cups of perfectly good coffee left over from the morning brew which I didn't want to waste. When I pulled the cold pot out of the fridge, I nicked the door and the glass just came apart, glass and coffee everywhere.

While I wait for a new pot to be delivered I have to go up to an old hotel at the end of the street and get my morning coffee. The bums come early and sit around on the metal tables outside, sipping a cup of coffee, waiting, presumably, for their first free meal of the day. You can always tell the bums by the trash bags they tie over the seats of their ghetto bikes. That way when they're caught in the rain, the seat doesn't get wet. Bums have a pretty good life here in St. Augustine because there are so many charitable organizations willing to feed and clothe them -- they can save all their money for booze and drugs.

In the past I've resented these bums and wished they'd go away, but lately, with my new high-pressure job, I've come to feel a kinship with them. I look at them now and think that if worse comes to worst, it won't be such a bad life. I'll drop out and flop my way down to bumhood, where I can sit outside the cafes, drink a cup of coffee, and look forward to the day's first bottle. Maybe I should start making friends now, so I'll know the ropes when it comes time.

Aspiring Writer

I think I'll go from being an *aspiring* writer directly to being an *expiring* writer. Who needs success? There's a bright side to being the unpublished flop -- my taxes aren't going up.

Annoying My Co-Worker

Now that I have a new sucky job (NSJ) that pays me more money, I miss my old sucky job (OSJ) that paid me less money. At least I knew people. I had a co-worker there, we called her DS. She lived in Houston. I used to annoy her on purpose because I am good at annoying people. Here's a list of six things I did to frustrate and anger her. Ah, I miss the OSJ!

1. Start an IM conversation and tell her you have important news. Then reply with only emoticons. String the emoticons together to form patterns that might have significance. She will try to decipher these patterns.
2. Wear logoed clothing such as Brooks Brothers, Polo, etc., and talk about how a logo denotes craftsmanship and quality.
3. Insist that truly productive people work through lunch, taking (at most) a sandwich at their desks.
4. Insult Texas. Anything will do, provided you stick with it for awhile. At first she’ll be inclined to agree with you, so you must persist. Example: There are no real cowboys in Texas, only fake ones.
5. Make jokes and laugh at them yourself. Make sure you’re laughing louder and longer than anyone else.
6. This is the “nuclear option” of DS annoyance, because she and her husband are very much in love: Compare her husband to a Hollywood star, but make sure he’s a supporting actor, not a leading man. Bruno Kirby, for instance. Trust me, unless you compare her husband to Pierce Brosnan (or someone of that caliber), she’ll flame you to a cinder.